Yogabatics, yoganastics

My friend B got very annoyed when she discovered that after completing a course of physical therapy not long ago, I had reinjured myself in a recent yoga class. "Why do you do that?" she asked, with what sounded like real anger. By "that," I guess she meant "try too hard" or "take risks."

Good question.

One answer is that I find it exhilarating to do the more spectacular—and risky—poses like inversions and arm balances. It thrills me to hang out upside down at 58 years old. I find it uplifting (so to speak) that while I am beginning to deteriorate in many ways—thinning hair, lusterless skin, dimming eyesight, etc.—I continue to defy aging by making progress in the physical practice of yoga. In the three years since my breast cancer was diagnosed, I have mastered challenging new (acrobatic!) asanas and gotten more adept at those I could do previously. It's inspiriting to see myself developing skills at my age. And it's an affirmation that despite the dreadful diagnosis, I'm healthy—flexible, strong, steady.

Another answer is that I feel the pressure of time pressing in on me. I know I won't be able to manage these gymnastic feats forever, and I want to make as much headway as I can, while I can, so that when I begin to slip, I will have longer to slide. I worry that when I am unable to access the physical thrills, yoga will lose some of its allure—and I need yoga.

And perhaps another answer is that my tendency to throw myself into the physical challenges is a defect in my practice. A good yoga teacher counsels students to observe and accept their current state (whereas I am impatient to conquer new territory), to practice on the safe side of their "edge" (whereas I hurl myself over) and to let go of attachments to outcomes (whereas I thrive on accomplishment). So my tendency to compete, even if only against myself, is a failure to accept, a reckless disregard for risk and a clinging to the pleasures of success.

It's a failure I feel like living with at the moment. It feels so great to ... feel so great.