When they were young, part 1

When my kids were little, they used to say the darnedest things—and I would write them down. Now the grubby little notebooks in which I recorded their infant wisdom are disintegrating. I hope the firmament of the Web is made of stronger stuff.

In 1983, when my son was 2:

* "When Mommy was a little boy she used to eat parsley riding her bike with the honking horns."

* [Looking at his father's painting] "I look at this and say, Oh, how beautiful!"

* J: Eye hurt.
  M: Close your eyes for a moment.
  J: I can't breathe when I close my eyes. I will drown. But I will not die.

* "Tomorrow you will go to work, and you won't love me anymore."

* "You have eyes, I have eyes. Everybody has eyes. You cannot take them out."

* "If you were a fierce bad rabbit, I would like to give you a carrot absolutely."

* "Some days are very interesting. Some days are not very interesting."

* [To me] "You're driving me up the wall."

* J: I have a friend who gives me junk food.
  M: Who's that?
  J: His name is Granddad.

* "Mommy has a vagina."

* "Good old Daddy."

* "I'm thinking about my belly button."

* [To me] "What nice underpants you have!"

* "Mr. Bump doesn't have a penis."

* "Mommy, if we found a dead pig in the park, could we pick it up?"

* "Could I have those black apricots made out of raisins [dried apricots]"?

* "Thank you for the good-tasting bathwater. It's good for my throat."

* [At the airport] "This place looks like Mommy's office."

* [After eating his first hard candy] "I like this! I like to drink the smell of it!"

* "Mice and rats and children eat cheese."

* "I want to have a half brother."

* "Peepee is fun, but not as fun as poopoo."

* M: Don't bounce on my stomach, please.
   J: I'm going to cover your mouth so you don't say anything terrible to anyone.