When my kids were little, they used to say the darnedest things—and I would write them down. Now the grubby little notebooks in which I recorded their infant wisdom are disintegrating. I hope the firmament of the Web is made of stronger stuff.
In 1983, when my son was 2:
* "When Mommy was a little boy she used to eat parsley riding her bike with the honking horns."
* [Looking at his father's painting] "I look at this and say, Oh, how beautiful!"
* J: Eye hurt.
M: Close your eyes for a moment.
J: I can't breathe when I close my eyes. I will drown. But I will not die.
* "Tomorrow you will go to work, and you won't love me anymore."
* "You have eyes, I have eyes. Everybody has eyes. You cannot take them out."
* "If you were a fierce bad rabbit, I would like to give you a carrot absolutely."
* "Some days are very interesting. Some days are not very interesting."
* [To me] "You're driving me up the wall."
* J: I have a friend who gives me junk food.
M: Who's that?
J: His name is Granddad.
* "Mommy has a vagina."
* "Good old Daddy."
* "I'm thinking about my belly button."
* [To me] "What nice underpants you have!"
* "Mr. Bump doesn't have a penis."
* "Mommy, if we found a dead pig in the park, could we pick it up?"
* "Could I have those black apricots made out of raisins [dried apricots]"?
* "Thank you for the good-tasting bathwater. It's good for my throat."
* [At the airport] "This place looks like Mommy's office."
* [After eating his first hard candy] "I like this! I like to drink the smell of it!"
* "Mice and rats and children eat cheese."
* "I want to have a half brother."
* "Peepee is fun, but not as fun as poopoo."
* M: Don't bounce on my stomach, please.
J: I'm going to cover your mouth so you don't say anything terrible to anyone.